‘I understand your frustration’ isn’t empathy

A brilliant reply landed in my inbox last week from executive coach Wendy Rose, after I wrote about difficult conversations.

She said:

‘It’s not enough to go through the motions of empathy, go through the emotions of empathy.’

YES.

Because fake empathy isn’t empathy. People can smell the difference a mile off.

Hearing a customer service rep tell you ‘I understand this is frustrating’ doesn’t make you feel less frustrated. When your broadband is down for the third day in a row and you’re tearing your hair out, it just feels like lip service. (And it’s likely to wind you up even more.)

Real empathy shows you’ve actually done the work to understand what the frustration means for that person.

Not:

‘I understand this is frustrating.’

But:

‘I’m sorry this means you can’t work from home and your teenagers can’t get their homework done.’

Not:

‘I appreciate this is not ideal.’

But:

‘I’m sorry these delays mean you’re now having difficult conversations with your client.

Not:

‘I know this is stressful for you.’

But:

‘I can see why this puts you in a difficult position with the leadership team.’

It’s a tiny tweak but it makes a huge difference. That bit of extra detail makes people feel understood, which is, let’s face it, all most of us really want.

Give it a whirl the next time someone’s getting spicy and see if it shifts the mood. And as always, let me know how you get on.