How to disagree better

Maybe it’s the bin fire that is global politics.

Maybe it’s because people feel strangely brave behind a screen, lobbing prickly messages from the safety of their laptop.

Or maybe everyone is just frazzled and one ‘as per my last email’ away from snapping.

Whatever the cause, a lot of my work right now is helping teams handle difficult conversations with difficult people. And yes, sometimes the difficult people are colleagues. Sometimes clients. Sometimes senior leaders. And sometimes, if we’re honest, us.

One of the biggest mistakes we make in a disagreement is assuming that being more ‘right’, more logical and more forceful will win the day.

It usually doesn’t.

It usually just makes the other person dig in harder and b*tch about us to their colleagues.

Harvard professor Julia Minson has done some fascinating research on this, shared in her book How to disagree better. Her point is that when people feel bulldozed, they stop listening. So if you want to move a conversation forward, you need to make the other person feel heard first.

She calls this conversational receptiveness, and says that can sound like:

‘I think we both want the same outcome here…’

‘I can see why that would be frustrating…’

‘I agree with part of what you’re saying…’

‘What I think I’m hearing is…’

These phrases lower the temperature. And once people feel less defensive, they’re far more open to hearing your point. Minson’s research shows if you use these phrases, other people will likely mirror them back to you, resulting in a much more civil conversation.

From my own work, I’d add this: difficult conversations often go south because we rush. We jump straight to our opinion, fix or rebuttal.

But really great communicators slow down just enough to make the other person feel seen first.

That doesn’t make them a pushover, or want to sing Kumbaya in the boardroom. It simply makes them more effective.

So hit reply and tell me: how are tricky conversations showing up in your world right now?

I’m all ears.